highway 17

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an early morning bus ride from santa cruz to san jose
the sun breaks through as we drive on the winding road
through the santa cruz mountains
highway 17 – this road is beginning to feel familiar
i’ve come to known its pace and curves
all of a sudden i think of the last time i will take this road,
to go home. where that exactely is, has become less clear.

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there’s something nice about these cheapy US domestic flights
– despite the fact that every time i took one they are entirely full
and one gets candy bars as “food”, and it has little to do with
the SouthWest staff cracking not-so-funny jokes
(“there are 50 ways to leave your lover but only 6 to leave this aircraft…”).

the flight routes are lower, or the sky is more open,
so it’s the forth or fifth time that i get to see
the massive Rocky Mountains and the Great Plains
(peaks, snow, canyons, rivers, roads, fields, small settlements…),
mesmerizing. i stare and stare and imagine all kinds of stories
of lives down there, now and in past times.
it’s enchanting to see the country like this.

healing

i finished reading God’s Daughters. Evangelical Women and the Power of Submission in an airport or an airplane somewhere. it helpfully elaborates on something that strikes me, since i’m living in the U.S., as a peculiarity of the religious formations that i came across thusfar. a peculiarity that seems to have grown wild in california and santa cruz.

healing.

the book is grounded in an ethnographic study of Aglow, a nation-wide (and international) network of Christian charismatic women. positioning this specific mode of religiosity, within existing religious and cultural coordinates the author identifies three main threads of which the movement is made.
1/ the Pentacostal revival since the 1900s, with its prophetic message and experiental, ecstatic style of workship. in the following decades, a strand of Pentacostal evangelists focussed less on preaching the gospel and calling people to salvation than on bringing down the power of the Holy Spirit to enact miraculous healings -culminating in the American “healing revival” of the late 1940s and 1950s.
2/ the Recovery Movement and Therapeutic Culture. This is traced back to the 1930s when Alcoholics Anonymous was found, and since then methods of “twelve-step”, “self-help” and “recovery” were elaborated, transposed to various realms, and became part of popular culture.
3/ an emphasis on women’s “eerie restlesness” and the need to find cures for it. such discourses were very much part of late Victorian America, and when the crisis of female “restlessness” was reformulated in the post-war era, it provided one of the impulse of second wave feminism (cfr. Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique). while conservative evangelical women would come to conclusions very different from the feminists ones, the point has been repeatedly made that there is some shared ground in perceiving a problem with the social roles and situations women find themselves caught in.

it’s the heavy mixing of the therapeutic with religion (less perhaps in the third thread, although there’s a lot of therapeutization going on in the field of “women’s restlessness”). religion marked by a cultural shift from salvation to self-realization. connected to the so-called “small group” movement with people seeking authentic, intense experiences that they fail to find elsewhere. the sacred becoming personal, and serviceable in meeting individual needs. a tendency that fails to acknowledge hiearchies of human suffering, and that is drenched in selfism and narcism in its exaggeration of personal pain. and its particular attraction to women.

living in Santa Cruz means living with the omni-presence of therapeutic discourse. it’s simply part of the air one breathes over here. it comes with a vague sense of spirituality here, although it is not so difficult to see its (Protestant) evangelical and charismatic influences and roots.

the difference with “indigenous” Protestantism and evangelicalism in Europe is sharp. remember the fierce rejection of vacinations and other kinds of modern medical treatments in the Dutch Bible-belt: as much as healing might be taken as the working of God’s hand, so is getting sick and dying, and one should not mess with that. there is no salvational quality to healing. and perhaps more importantly, there is a resistance to the psychologization of religious experience (among believers). among my visits, conversations and encounters in the field of Dutch Protestantism, there’s only one instance where religion and psychology met, in the person of an orthodox reformed believer who was also doing a phd in psychology. she discussed with much interest psychological studies and takes on religion, where the religious is connected to emotional needs. but it remained fingerspielerei for her, in which she engaged for pleasure, but that did not interfere with or taint her sense of belief.

the healing discourse repulses me both ways around. the individualist and voluntarist take on physical, mental and social (and societal) health. the way it domesticates and impoverishes the sacred, pushing that what fills us with awe, God, to revolving around me-me-me. the worst of two worlds.

pie and mash

today we did something that had an exotic feel to it. we went to eat in one of the pie and mash places on one of high streets around the corner, Roman Road. London’s most traditional food, working class food since Victorian times, east london Cockney food par excellence. minced beef pie, mashed potatoes and a green sauce called liquor, for 2 pounds or so. a small shop front space covered in white tiles, a marble counter and tables with wooden benches, partly seperated from a backroom space where the stuff is made.

east london is an interesting place to live and think of contemporary history through layers of human business and mobility. on another big road around the other corner, Mile End Road, there is a market every day to which an amount of women wearing the niqab (faceveil) come that i have never seen in any other place before. peter, a new friend of giulia (giulia makes new friends every time she goes out to the shop, the laundrette…), who did not seem so much older than us, explained that when he grew up here, the neighborhood was white, apart from three black families living next to each other, of which his family was one. the place has transformed so much since then, creating resentment among the indigenous white people. three old pie and mash houses on Roman Road testify to an older London that does not exist anymore yet is part and parcel of what this place is made of. and we’re learning something new: better to take two portions of mash, and i’m not fond of the liquor so perhaps next time i should take gravy. for the sea-food lovers, and as a testimony to the importance of the vein that runs through this city, you should try the jellied eels.

fox

back in the new bethnal green home, which hosts yet another visitor this night, isabelle from paris. giulia does a delicious pumpkin risotto, and by the end of the evening i find myself washing up the dishes in front of the kitchen window. my eyes wonder over these old east london two-storey brick houses. then, in the middle of the empty street, a beautiful golden brown fox walks by, in all elegance. it takes a moment to believe what i just saw. when i tell the girls, they are not surprised. foxes live here; when the girls leave the front door (which gives onto the yard of the pub) open they even dare to visit the house. urban jungle in yet another sense.

women’s day

antwerpen, the (flemish) women’s day. a heart-warming way to make a very brief visit to vlaanderen, surrounded by a bunch of familiar faces, political companeras and friends. some friends said i look really different these days, some insisted it was the californian influence that made me look mexican… (okay, maybe the rose in my hair played a role in this; and of course women in mexico all wear roses in their hair. i had thought there might have been an opportunity to sing bread and roses during the day, but then i realized i didn’t know all the lyrics…)

and we had quite some work to do – our gebroken wit workshop which developed out of things we learned from the challenging white supremacy sessions with sharon and many other sources. haar antwerpen is screened and sold – pleasurable to feel a material product in hands that now is starting to spread and lead its own life. and i have to participate to the general debate, for nextgenderation of course. (oh god, as the facilitator was increasingly working on my nerves, and curtailing what i felt was an expression of political passion with a flat and annoying “but i thought women would do things differently, less violently”, it slipped out of my mouth: “well there has been no struggle for liberation without violence.” as nadia added afterwards: “it’s merely a sociological observation.”)

what i most enjoyed came after all the work. the beautiful meeting with rauda morcos from ASWAT, a palestinian gay women’s association based in haifa, and hanging out toghether with the Women in Black from leuven who had invited her (leuvense WiB insisting i connect with the bay area WiB; rauda insisting i connect with the bay area network of arab queer women – it seems that every time i leave europe to the US there’s a new set of facilitated contacts… and then we do the little plot to get Aswat T-shirts to friends and to Helem in Beirut). and plenty of laughter in good sweet company at the end of the day with the queer cafe and stand-up comedy, and singing our hearts out and dancing with hilde to beautiful french chansons…

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(rauda morcos, photos by lieve snellings)

autumn

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autumn is coming to an end, at least that is how it feels. it rained yesterday, and here rain is winter. autumn for me was living with spiders. my garden room is full of them – they come and go through the gaps in the crooked window frames, they spin cobwebs all over the room, sometimes i find traces of them in dreams, in my bed in the morning and through bites on my body. cohabitation. i’m enjoying the proximity of these creatures a lot.

memories of other autumns pass by. autumn 2004 – profound exhaustian, agony and sadness. the breakdown, the fall. made soft by winter and spring in istanbul. autumn of 2005 – dancing joy and happiness. contente d’etre heureuse, as they say in that beautiful circus that came to visit saint-gilles. torn away from that by the winter in santa cruz. and now autumn in santa cruz. it’s gentle. gentle compared to the intensities of previous years. and gentle compared to this summer, with the beautiful intensity of the caravan of friends and the angry intensity of my santa cruz resentment. gentle with lots of nest warmth and writing solitude. and some class adventures and some political challenges that i don’t quite manage to live up to in the flow of this writing life.

and in some hours time i’m flying to london – oh, a radical different intensity of things to come, perhaps, who knows, a second autumn.
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(maría’s photos, of course)