total immersion in reading and writing for many hours… sahar recognises the santa, and instantly starts cooking for me. yoran tries to come and play but i’m absorbed by finding out what is happening with this war, what can be done,… and trying to write responses to the nextgenderation list that would allow for distinctions and political positionings to be made. constantly fighting the “what’s the use of this” sentiment, especially now when taking action is more urgent than anything else. but then i see that one of the things that hinders people to react is the feeling that “it’s all so complex”, as emma put it. a very familiar feeling. angry with myself that i didn’t engage in some of these discussions before. try to post an action mail with every discussion piece. the discussion is disheartening, and it sucks the life out of me, don’t know how long i’ll be able to do this. when giulia calls i just start to cry.
shifra, a friend who is israeli citizen living in the netherlands at the moment, got arrested in amsterdam. she went to the infamous pro-israel demo that someone announced on the nextgenderation list, to peacefully express dissent and denounce israeli violence, and the police arrested her.
yoran insists. the game he wants to draw me in is a shooting game.
– nee lieverd, we gaan niet schieten. er is al zoveel oorlog (no darling, let’s not shoot. there’s already too much war.)
– is er oorlog? (is there war?)
– ja. (yes)
– waarom? (why?)
then follows a litany of me coming up with possible answers that are met, without exception, with an insisting waarom? eventually yoran’s attention is caught by something else, but he often comes back to me during the day: “sarah, is er nog oorlog? (is there still war?)” and we re-play the litany in many variations.
lotte told me this story. the other day, as yoran kept on asking his insisting waarom?, she began to do the same. he interrupted her: “don’t ask me all these questions, mama, they make me dizzy in the head.”